If You Could Change It All, Would You?

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Last night I had the weirdest dream ever. It took place sometime in the future, but it wasn't as I knew it. My entire life was different, but I was blatantly aware of the fact that it didn't feel right. It wasn't what I knew, or who I knew. The people I recognized in my dream were few and in between. My sister was there and that was about the only face I can remember seeing clearly. 

In my dream I was married (happily, I think?) but to a stranger. I had kids I didn't know, and because I was consciously my current self, I was confused and apprehensive about just enjoying the dream. 

Does this all sound strange? Probably. But don't judge. 

Anyway, in the dream I found myself trying to get back to what I knew. To get back to Daniel and to figure out what happened to the life I was expecting for myself. To understand what changed and to keep it from happening.

And when I woke up and realized this was all some silly dream, it got me wondering. It made me think about life, and change, and regret, and about how when I'm at that point in my life will I look back and wish anything was different? 

Do I ever wish that now?

The answer is yes, and no. Of course there are things that I would do differently, that's life. But the things that I've done have taught me things. I've learned and I've grown from them. I'm still learning every day.

Could I have lived without having to spend the first three years of marriage separated from my husband? absolutely. 

But it made us so much stronger. 

Could I have chosen to travel like so many of my friends instead of finishing college? sure. 

But what would that have given me besides memories?

I don't want to wake up ten years from now and see someone I don't recognize. Or to feel that the choices I've made weren't entirely mine throughout my life. Right now, fully awake, I see a future filled with family, with laughter, and with my best friend by my side. And that's where I'm headed. 

Whenever I'm unsure of the choices I'm making, I have to believe that they're leading me to that. Life's too short to focus on the things you could have done differently, or how things might have changed. If things don't turn out exactly as planned, embrace it. This is your life, right now, and it's time to make the most of it. 

1 comment

  1. This is such a thought provoking post! I'm not sure what I would do.


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